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lately i...

can't stop comparing myself to people. wtf is up with that.
...and I'm more obsessed with max ernst than ever.

whenever i go through phases like this i do the following...
step 1: take everything out of your closet
step 2: lay out everything that is iffy and/or old
step 3: cut the sleeves off/ make it look new
step 4: voila! a new wardrobe on a college student's financial diet
need some foods pretty soon...

Playlist for today:
Oasis-What's the Story Morning Glory?
Ryan Adams-Nuclear

...now what?

Do we ever change?

The Godspeed Lp Swimmer's Ear is unstoppable. The first song, "April", has a refrain that is particularly memorable. "Brick by brick I'll build this wall. Don't worry, you'll find me". I mean, can you really not think of a time in your life where this rang so very true for you? I find that this is my mantra for relationships of all sorts-I never am really the type to easily reveal myself or get excited. I am a cynic by all means, especially when it comes to the human species. I am more likely to find your faults before your purities, and I am more likely to judge you so severely on the first that it is impossible for me to think any other way. This is not healthy. I am perfectly aware. But that's not the point. The point is this-you know the mark of a solid musician when the lyrics remind you so vividly of something in particular, and the lyricist doesn't even know you, nor will ever know you.
I think something that attracted me to hardcore was that it felt like most of the words related to a certain part of my life without ever having any coherent connection to me. Most of the music I listen to I feel has resonated within me and shaped my outlook in some way. I mean, this is the case with most of the literature and friends I surround myself with. You are a victim of what is around you. There is no argument against the fact that you are what/who you like.
Lately I have been feeling this great gap between myself and the outside world. I stopped caring about impressions and outward beauty. Instead, lately I have been focusing on what feels good for me at the moment and what is attractive to me. In a sense this philosophy, when innately recognized, is called "self-centeredness" but in reality this is just something that every person should save time for-the self. This may seem like a wandering far from normalcy for me but it isn't. I recently came to the conclusion that no one is going to help me, no person or being or anything imaginable, is ever going to help me become anything. But none of that matters, all I need is me...for the most part.

"As on a heap of rubbish cast upon the highway the lily will grow full of sweet perfume and delight..."
-The Dhammapada on Flowers

With that, I give you Godspeed's Swimmer's Ear.



http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=f3b510057ffe74f05bf1f12f1ff3f30a477dc68d462745205621d66e282a0ee8

Tracklist.
1. April
2. Written Word
3. Flume
4. Daylight Saving Time
5. Swimmer's Ear
6. Nothing Things

Six short, sweet songs.

-L

Field of Darkness

New semester began today. I've already altered my schedule to switch myself out of the "Classical Literature" class where within the first half hour I checked my phone 7 times.
My schedule includes:
1. The Comics-a class on the place of the comic book/graphic novel in literature today. I tried really hard not to be judgemental in today's class, but someone knew every single copy of the Watchmen ever published and what the differences were.
Okay, maybe I could do that for certain records.
And clothing.
And I daresay certain books.
Alright, I'm done. Anyway, we're reading this book by Scott McCloud (DC comics mastermind) about the history/theory of comic books. I thought it was gonna be a bust, but its actually really neat. Its put together like a comic book but reads like a textbook.

2. Design II-I'm taking this class with graphic design majors and half the class is done on photoshop. Should be interesting.
3. American Literature-one of my favorite teachers is teaching this. We're reading the classics, mostly works I've already read. I'm excited for this class though, the professor always has these interesting, sarcastic viewpoints on everything. Today we talked for a while about me transferring and she gave me some really solid advice, err, push out the door.
4. Readings in Poetry-my teacher for this class is out of her mind. Loves it.

Just got back from a night of hanging and I am really looking forward to crawling into bed with my books. Tomorrow I have 1,000,001 things to do. I decided I am going to start involving myself more in activities. I was going to start boxing a while ago as a way to get rid of the aggression but maybe that is not the key at all. So I think I am going to try taking ballet or something that takes time. When I was 10 or 11 I took ballet and the teacher asked me not to come back because she said I didn't take it seriously enough. I'm also going to start taking yoga again and try and become a better person from the inside out. I also think I might have had it with meat. I don't know, something doesn't feel right about me eating it.

I'm working on some mixtapes for uploading, keep your eyes peeled.

For right now I'm listening to:
New Found Glory-Not Without a Fight
Cat Power-Jukebox
Swiz-No Punches Pulled
Dag Nasty-Can I Say

Edit: http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/wherethewildthingsare/

Buddha, Ian, Morissey, & Walter

I remember reading this article in my high school cafeteria. Do your homework, please.

The Buddha took a piece of red chalk and drew a circle, saying: "When men, though unaware of it, must meet again someday, they may follow diverging paths to the given day when, ineluctably, they will be reunited within the red circle." -- Rama Krishna

http://www.spin.com/articles/reunited-states

Help

I need one of those cleansings from the inside out. I woke up this morning and realized I may be an awful person. I need to turn this around. Trying to regain that PMA.

Wants and Needs

Everything looks so delicious in the Spring.
I'm in this fake, bad mood right now. It's fake because I don't want to be in a bad mood...so it's a fake bad mood.
The other day I had this revelation that I'm just going to kind of give up most of the things in life, and focus on a few things that mean the most to me; my career, my 4/5 friends, my family, etc. I'm just not really a fan of inconsistency/ unexpected changes.
I have included some ideas for good living...
1. Don't sleep in more than two days a week-it makes sleeping in worth it.
2. Go out for brunch once a week, and yes it is brunch even if it is at two.
3. The second your not getting what you want out of something, speak up.
4. Visit your family.
5. Make necessary career changes whenever the need be.
6. Never do anything your not 110% into
7. Eat whatever you want, whenever you want
Those are some ideas.
Also, I put a counter up on this blog to see just how many people are checking it out and it turns out there are lots but never any comments. Step the comment game up? Yes no maybe?
Maybe next time I'll be more collected with this....or I can actually know if I'm in a good mood or a bad mood. Who knows. ever.

There it is

Some pictures from CZW.

And...

ONE MORE...

Be with you soon.....
-L

FYi

Here is a little note I found on a stickie on my desktop from the honorable bobby wilson.

hey lily!
i meant to type in youtube
and somehow it came up as porn
so im sorry
it was i, not dan

-bobman

I love my friends.
Also, I have determined my future career. I'm going to open an art gallery/bakery and learn how to make the world's best buttercream icing. Than I can employ all my friends. Seriously, good cupcakes make the world better.



Lately, I've been addicted to watching Arrested Development. Maybe it's because Jason Batemen
A.
looks just like...
Ryan Adams!!!!
B.
oh boy oh boy! CZW tonight. What a wholesome, lovely life I lead.

Everyone's at it.

I think being an English major has ruined something I love. I don't want to scrutinize Faulkner, I want to enjoy it.
The great think about my future (fingers crossed) major is I will be forever scrutinizing something that is totally capable of being debated and is made for that purpose. Yesterday I toured Moore to look at the Curatorial Studies program and I'm really into it. I never really saw myself at Moore for a few reasons. However, I think that unless I find that something I absolutely love at school I'm not going to be able to do as well as I'm supposed to. You know what I'm saying?
Anyway, I'm in kind of a yes/no mood. Really looking forward to spring break, really stressing about money, really cold.
I would like a buttercream cupcake from Flying Monkey or Nik's work please.
Oooh!

Xoxoxoxoxox,
L

Progress

I'm super excited for our Zine. We've got some really awesome interviews set up....not giving anything awesome away yet. Let's just say I can cross two dream interviews off of my list. I would like to thank...Mischa Barton.
Anyway, sitting in Art of India class, about to jump out of my skin, so excited. Going to a cart to get food. Interview tomorrow at a new school, really excited. I gave Dan a cold, sorry babe, and I'm going to surprise him tonight and bring him home some soup from work.
Honestly, I'm really excited to sit down with Bob and Jannes. I feel like I'm going to roll-on-the-floor laughing. We're doing word associations.
Dan and I have such a good dynamic going...
And...I'm super excited about some of the places Devon and I are looking at.
One of my friends recently said to me that they think that it's weird that me dating someone made me want to stay in Philadelphia. Contrary to popular belief, that is not true. I love everything about this city, literally... everything. And I don't really feel like uprooting myself from something its taken me 19 years to get right...something called self-fulfillment. Maybe I'll look back and regret things, but I can't regret anything anymore than all of the things I have already done. Anyway, these things only matter as much as your worry about them.
Spring is always wonderful, because it paves the way for new beginnings. Woof.

To new beginnings, good friends, and SPRING BREAK '09. Take off dem clothes.

My Life

I'm a normally semi-calm person. I am in the worst mood right now. I swear if I had to have a real conversation with someone it would be the end of me.
Let's see.
This weekend was pretty decent, I ended up having to punch some girl cause she was being disrespectful.
Um
I'm interviewing someone for the zine that I'm super excited about. It means a lot to me.
Um
I'm excited to move again.
Um
I have an interview at Moore on Wednesday.
Um
I'm going to shower and eat and pretend that I don't have the headache of a lifetime.

ZINENATION

So something I've been talking about forever....DOING A zine.
So I'm going to. Dan is my co-partner on this endeavor. I literally have been talking about this forever, and I'm finally going to do it. I have some really cool interviews lined up and I'm super excited.
It's going to be called "The Fear". Yes, named after a Lily Allen song. Because if Dan would have his way it would be named after a fictional part of Zelda. He is already threatening to put the triforce (and yes, I unfortunately know what that is) all over the Zine.
I'm really excited. This is something to get excited about. I love reasons to get excited.

MMMMMMMHHHMMMMM. Wear the Chanel. You go girl.

My Current Obsessions:

1. Best time I've ever seen Ryan Adams....

2.
'Nuff said
3. A perfect investment-the perfect flat

4. One of my top records-a must

5.
Um, that's all for right now. Bobby, Youreyeah, Danny, and I are all sitting in the living room as per usual.
SEE ya.

I wish

Ode to Cleanliness
I want to be one of those neat, clean girls where you know everything in their closet is folded and doesn't smell like pancake batter. I want to be organized and well-kept with nice hair and clean clothes. I want to not spill things on my Marc by Marc or not to step in a puddle in Jordans. I would like to eat a meal without dropping something and go to school without forgetting a pen. I would like to look like the well-put together girls with their hair and make-up done at 9:30 in the morning. I would like to not rush out the door at the last minute looking like I just woke up (cause I did) and wearing a shirt I slept in the night before. I want to not wear the same nasty True Religions that are actually baggy at this point. I would really like to be a real girl.
Eh...

In the Meantime

Dan is playing Zelda (nerd), I'm listening to the Handsome LP, and we just ordered tons of Chinese. Life rules.

Now I Lay Me

I miss it!

Dear Mischa

Give me the strength to go on now that the OC is canceled and you own every single Dior Gaucho bag or Chloe Paddington bag I've ever wanted. Thank you for still taking a sexy mugshot and wearing heels even though you are already a giant. If it weren't for you I would have never started wearing jean jackets again.

Changes

It's weird going from a girl that can do everything herself with few people in her life to letting someone in entirely. For the past two and half years, almost, I have relied entirely on my friends and mostly myself to do everything that a loving, healthy relationship should do. My other girlfriends and friends have been the main support system in my life. So now I have to make this transition from someone that is completely self-reliant to someone who is caring? weird.
The main point I'm trying to say is I know its going to be difficult.
I thought it was going to be difficult.
I don't know what it is, maybe the perfect union of person, place, and time that is making this so easy for me. I'm trying to get rid of all my old vices and put myself into a position where I am vulnerable to all the attachments of caring for someone. You get so used to being by yourself you almost forget what its like to be with someone.
However, the point of this entry is not to talk about this but to talk about just how when you think that everything is awful and you have quit trying to make these new relationships, someone comes around that makes you want to be a little bit better and reminds you that half the point of life is being surrounded by people that make you happy. And I can truthfully say that the past week has been what I want the future to feel like. Super fucking promising.
I really haven't smiled this much in a very long time.

I

miss Nik and Say.

Crazy

A close friend recently told me I was insane. Insane was never a word I used to describe myself, but "crazy" is a term that has been used to describe me on more than one occasion. It wasn't the cool kind of crazy either, like the kind of crazy that any of my favorite artists are. I think there are all different kinds of crazy.
Exhibit A:

No explanation needed.
Exhibit B:

A man of few words. Responsible for my only addiction.
Exhibit C:

"I'll be grazing by your window...please come pat me on the head. Just want to find out what you're nice to me for."
Exhibit D:
Me?????
I think there are all different types, really. And I fill into the Warzone category..."Crazy but not insane". I mean, I think.

Wants: A nice date and a miu miu python bag.
Needs: More sleep-ins, sleepovers, and breakfast food.

What Do Women Want?

I highly recommend reading this ENTIRE article. This all coming from the prototypical "anti-femme" queen, as I've been so lovingly branded by my professors and one of my gorgeous post-fem coworkers.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine
Anyways....long ass bad hard difficult day.
Suggested Listening
Belle and Sebastian-If You're Feeling Sinister
J. Mascis-Live at CBGBs (The First Acoustic Show)
Oh and Alkaline Trio...you know the entire discography.....

One two three

Do you ever feel like your just moving around trying to avoid things all day?
Cause that's what I feel like, nearly everyday. I avoid this or I avoid that. I'm scared to check the mail cause I'm scared to find out I didn't get into nyu or eugene lang or anything. And if I do what if I decide that I want to stay in Philadelphia? But I definitely don't want to. There is nothing for me here, and I keep looking for a reason to stay, but its not here.

If I miss anything or anyone right now its my parents house, and that this month will be two years since I've been in a serious relationship. Or that most of the people I used to rely on have changed in some way, and are no longer who I need them to be.

Everyone is so damn self-centered. I'm sure I'm the same way in some way most days.

It's a funny thing, really

So last week when my mother and I were walking around in New York discussing just about everything and she tells me she "googled" her name. When she did she found out Gary Snyder, one of the more famous modern America poets, listed her as one of his top twenty favorite poets of modern America. I mean, he won a Pulitzer. Modesty is one of the qualities I hope I've inherited from my mother.

Now or Never?

Let's clarify- sex means nothing to me really anymore. I mean, yeah, its cool but I've realized that having that perfect union of person and relationship is not going to happen, at least for a long time. I promised myself I would never even come close to having any kind of sexual relationship with anyone I wasn't in a legitimate relationship with... this past year I broke that rule twice. Both times, however, I was used to make someone jealous or just fed some kind of bullshit that I believed? Weird. I mean, getting used or lied to feels like shit, but I have an emotional rebound rate of 24 hours. I mean, I live vicariously through the sex lives of my friends...this sounds a lot creepier than it actually is.
ANYWAY, I renew that vow of prudishness till I find someone else who feels the same way, or is at least going to keep it in his pant till he sees me.
For now and for ever and for always.
So much work to do, interviews to do for various articles, applications to follow up on, books to read. Also, someone buy me spi'zikes in gray and gray. plz.
xoxoxo

Rewind

So since it's a new year and I have the potential to start again, I am going to do just that. Let's hope for a better new year. I want this blog to be less of an outpost for my outbursts, and more organized. Kind of like my goal for this year-organization. So, out with the old, in with the new.
Here are my new year's resolutions (AKA-Things I should have taken into consideration a long time ago)
1. Be nicer.
2. When I see something I want to buy, I am going to buy it. Fuck it, I do need new Jordans when I'm down and every single thing in the Married the Mob look book. So what if I don't have groceries?
3. Read more for pleasure and not just for school.
4. Spend more nights in my underwear on the couch.
5. Start working out again.
6. Get into my schools of choice.
7. Work less, sleep more, and continue to do well in school.
8. Pay more attention to Harry.
9. Spend more time in Nik's bed than my own.
10.Buy a bearskin rug.
I'm starting off reading "The Sun Also Rises" and eating Oreos while Harry looks at me like I'm cheating on him.
For right now I'm listening to Discount, Tiger's Jaw, Bad Brains, and J. Mascis. However, I just downloaded Placebo. "Without You I'm Nothing" is one of those albums I couldn't listen to for a long time because of what I associated with it. But fuck it. If there was ever a time for me to get a grip it is right about now.
P.S. There is a rumor that the New York Times will stop printing in May of this year. Please say it ain't so.